[Sigh]

I dont even really have words just yet to describe how upset with her I was last night. I understand that it was her birthday and that she was havin a good time, but I told her in advance that I had to work the next day...did she care, no. I just think it was totally selfish the way that she handles situations.

So, The Secret's OUT

So, this morning rather than an alarm clock, I got yelled at. My mom busted into the room and instantly started trippin... I was so scared. At that moment, I knew exacly what was up. She was jus yellin, it all happend in some sort of motion that wasnt fast or slow. She was like I want the truth. So after she finished yellin and trippin, after many tears. I did it. Im out, so I really dont give a fuck what anyone else thinks. This is me and I guess I can just be me now.

Cant forget to mention that finally Samantha and I are together for real...I got a girl now, so ladies paws off....lol

What About Me???

What about me?
What about what I want?
She saw that I didn't want to go home.
I told her I didnt want to go home.
Im not comfortable there,
I hate it there.
All I wanted was a small break,
I was even willing to get up early to compromise.

I've gone above and beyond the call of duty to cater to what she wants. The only reason that I had been stayin at the house all that time was for her. Because I knew that she wasn't comfortable there by herself. Because I wanted to be close to her. At first I argued to stay at the dorms because it was truly what I wanted. Then I argued to stay at the dorms to see if she would compromise, given all the sacrifices that I had made in staying at the house with her. This event reminded me so much of that between Miranda and I; when she wanted me to walk to see her, and I asked her to meet me half way. She declined, which showed me that she was selfish and all she cared about was herself. I hate to say it, but I honestly feel the same way in this situation.

I kept hopin that maybe she didn't leave. That once I got back upstairs with my laundry, she would be there waiting, but she wasnt. Everytime I heard keys jingle or footsteps in the hall I would think it was her but the knock on the door never came. I guess thats just the way it is. Just like I said in the previous post; in the end, all I've got is Me, Myself and I. She was lookin out for the same, how can I blame her? That's just how the world works. Maybe she'll see my point of view, then again maybe not

Complicated

Life is so fuckin complicated. Why cant it work out like an equation; almost always capable of being symplified. Nothing for me right now can be simple. Its my own fault though. I allow them to be complicated. I put myself into these situations. Its my own problem. I can feel myself starting to fall into depression. I'm just gonna keep fighting it like I always do. I gotta stay strong for me just like I always have and always will...
I got me myself and I,
thas all I got in the end
thas what I found out,
and it aint no need ta cry
I took a vow that from now on
Ima be my own bestfriend

The Kiss of Death

Its scary how something that seemed so innocent
can have such ramifications.
Tonight, a small kiss could mean death
Death to any chance that I ever stood with her.
She said the words that burned past my heart
through the soul and sunk into my gut.
She said "we should just be friends"

I can't be just a friend.
I went against the better judgement of my brain,
sided with my heart
and allowed myself to fall.
I still dont know whether this was a mistake
and my heart will be ripped into million pieces
Or if a love will grow strongly between us,
that bumps and detours only help to make us stronger.
I guess only time will tell.
Maybe its better that we be just friends?

I Dunno...

It feels as though I have so much about myself to figure out as of late. So much to deal with. I just don’t know how to get things together in my head so that they make sense. Like the song says, I just need time to see where I wanna be. I wanna be with her, but she isn't sure that she wants to be with me. In a way I can see myself beginning to stray soon. One can only deal with distance for so long, especially when so much is on the line. I get nauseaous everytime I wrap my mind around the fact that I've lost her. Maybe its time to think about movin on?

A Glimpse

When I finally met her beauty in person
I was givin a glimpse

A glimpse of what my life could be like with her in it
I would know true happiness, true care, and eventually
true love

I was given a glimpse of sheer bilss
A bliss that could be shared between two people
Bliss that would overcome me
everytime see looked into my eyes as I said
I love you
A bliss that would stretch
farther and farther
as she peered into my soul,
and she said I love you too

Today I was given a glimpse of the beauty I deserve
Not completely physical
A beauty inside shown only in her quiet demeanor

When she left I had not a glimpse,
but a complete vision of my life without her.
A sad and empty feeling
A loneliness, returned from the shadows.
A missed chance at possible happiness
More importanaty a chance at love.

A Thought

Riding in the car today
I realized that never before had I noticed
the beauty that her eyes possessed

Maybe it was the way that the light hit them
Or maybe it was the way that I already had this image of her in my head
So sultry and sexy. I wanted her then, there.
But she was upset

I love the way that her lips pout.
I think its just so...It just gets me
The way that it feels when she touches me
Its like the earth's rotation has slowed down, but sped up so much
that the moment cant be stretched.

Its scary to think that already
My heart is in a place where it can be shattered into a million pieces
Or it can be given away without a second thought
Im afraid

Im afraid to lose her
losing the ability to see the sunlight dance accross her eyes
and those sultry lips pout

I find it amazing
How someone can walk into your life
And make everything feel like it will be okay.
When Im with her nothing else matters
She keeps me calm,
in a state of mind that cant be reached by any other means

LTNS Continued...

So we've now reached the near present. As you all know from before, I was pretty into this girl Sam; but I figured that she wasnt feelin the same way about me. Not long ago, as Miranda and I were coming to our end, Sam came to visit me from Tennessee. At first, I honestly didnt think that she would actually come. I figured although things with her girlfriend were rocky, she was still with her. Furthermore, she had said once before that she would stop through but didnt; so I assumed that this instance would be the same also. So anyway, she got here and I was so nervous. I was so afraid that I wouldnt meet her expectations. That I wouldnt be pretty enough or that my personality wouldn't please her. She was so quiet. That made me even more nervous. But as time moved on, she gradually got a lil more comfortable with me. Before too long we were making out; not long after that we had sex. I was so afraid about the sex, more so than about the way that I looked. I had talked so much shit about how good I was at what I "do" and how I would make her cum over and over, that I wasnt so sure that I could live up to the reputation that had created when we talked online.

After all of the worrying, everything turned out well. I still wasn't sure if what I was feeling for her was in vain, but I just went with it. Not long after that, things with her girlfriend became unbearable so I offered for her to move back to Ohio and live with me. The plan was for her to stay at my house because my mom was supposed to be leaving for rehab for 6 months. Things got complicated when my mom was unable to get into her program. It was okay though, Sam is still stayin at my house. This is the present state of things.
sam
Im not sure how I feel about everything right now. I think Im feeling fear more than anything else. I have strong feelings for her, but I dont want to put pressure on her to be with me just because she lives in my house, and I am doing a lot to help her out. I want her to like me for me, and not what Im doing for her. She tells me that shes not really talkin to anyone else and that she doesnt really want to talk to other girls, but lately Im finding that hard to believe. It feels as though she wants to just push me away, not intentionally of course. I think maybe its a protective instinct. I feel like she doesnt really want anything to do with me romantically. I try to kiss her, she turns away... It kills me everytime. I think that I need to just play it a little more careful with my heart. I just have to make my heart understand the way that my brain does that she isnt exactally looking to be with anyone seriously right now. I have to make my heart understand that by putting itself out there completely it takes an even greater risk of being hurt because it might end up being a rebound. Im just going to continue to be patient with her and hope that maybe one day soon, she'll come around.

The final thing that just happened, yesterday is that my mom had a heart attack. She's still in the hospital but Ill keep this updated over the next few days. Until next time...

Long Time No See...

So I know its been awhile. I just needed a little time to myself I guess. For awhile, it felt as though I had nothing to say. Whenever I would try to blog the words just weren't there, or I didn't feel that the events at the present time were blogworthy. Since January my life has changed immensely. Its been quite the rollercoster ride. I guess I should pick up where I left off in the last blog, which was probably at Jenn. She and I were good together for a while, but reached a point where it was though there really wasn't much else to say. We were at different points in our lives; hell, Im a 19-year old college student and she was a 26-year old woman. I tried to make it seem as though I was upset with the breakup... but to be quite honest, I was happy. I had discovered that I did not really have feelings for her in the way that I thought I did. She was merely a rebound of Kristie. I thought I was over Kristie but apperently my heart and brain were not at agreement. February, Valentines Day actually, Jenn and I reached our end. It was that day that I was also able to put what was between Kristie and I to an end. As of today, I have absolutely no desire to be with her. I would like to maybe one day have a friendship with her, but I am not so sure that is possible. She still goes into jealous rages the minute that she knows Im seeing someone else, I think she's still in love with me.

After Jenn, there was Miranda. This girl is beautiful. She's mixed, very light skin with these beautiful green/brown eyes, 6'2". She honestly has the looks of a model. She and I were only together a few short weeks. There were a few reasons for this:
Miranda
1) I honestly dont think that we had much in common. She is really eccentric. She totally walks to the beat of her own drum. 2) She was too quiet. I like an outgoing girl, well not necessarily even outgoing, I just need someone who I can hold a conversation with. If I werent talking, I dont think that a word would hardly ever give rise between the two of us. 3) Everything seemed as though it was solely based on sex. In the conversation that ultimately lead to our end, I said that it felt as though everything revolved around sex, and we didn't communicate. She then said that we communicated when we had sex. I just felt that sex should not be the only means of true communication between people. Its not enough to hold someone there. Especially when the sex was no good... she only got me maybe once, and I was always the one doing the work whenever we had sex. So in the end the only thing that was truely holding me to her was the way that she looked.

I dont consider the end coming with Miranda a bad thing. It opened doors for someone else. At this we have arrived at my present situation. I will go into further detail later today or tomorrow. I have so much to blog and not enough time inbetween classes! Until a little later, holla atcha girl!