Its Not Cheating...

ME, MYSELF AND I
THAT'S ALL I GOT IN THE END
THAT'S WHAT I FOUND OUT
AND IT AINT NO NEED TO CRY
I TOOK A VOW THAT FROM NOW ON
I'M GON'NA BE MY OWN BEST FRIEND...

Beyonce was really dead on with these lyrics. No, my girl isn't cheating whatever it is that's going on hurts just as bad...maybe even worse. When someone cheats its typically with some loose woman and its just a fit of passion. But this is not that case for me. She's off in California visiting her ex-girlfriend. There are so many ways in which that is unexcusable. Its so fuckin wrong, but then you bring in all the reasonings that make it surficially okay. Nine years they were together, but she claims that she was unhappy since the start. They're good friends, my girl is the only someone this newly "recovered" drug addict has, not to mention the 9 year old dog they share.

This shit sux so bad. How the hell can I compete with time, with history, with circumstance. She tells me that she's in a hard spot with this whole situation as well. That she's hurting too. Like she's having to choose one heart over another. She's simply out there to allow the Ex to see the dog...This shit is about more than a fuckin dog. If that werent the case you'd answer my calls, or at least text me back when you say you would. Okay...ur tired, right...I think you just dont want to deal with the reality of the situation. You dont want to know the extent to which Im hurting. Everytime you dont respond, it chips away at me. You say that your not, but your chosing her over me. Im in second, again. I keep thinkin it will change, things will be different. I keep tellin myself, it doesnt matter. Im the only one in her life. But Im not, if I were I wouldnt feel like she's putting that bitch's feelings above mine. Perhaps I shouldnt take it so personal, but Im a sensitive girl...and at this point Ive left myself wide open, and anyone who knows me knows thats not my style.

Maybe Im just the jealous new girlfriend. Maybe Im too paranoid for my own good. Or maybe not. She may not be physically cheating. But I feel as though Im being emotionally cheated on. I dont know how else to describe it. She holds that bitch on this pedastole. That ginger little loving caring tone she takes everytime she talks to her. The way that she "forgot" her phone in the car last nite at dinner, but knew the many times that I would be trying to get in touch for a simple reassurance that I am the one. I wasnt asking for a 5 hour long phone call, or even 5 mins. All I wanted was a 3 character text to show me that she cared, maybe even a 30 second phone call to say baby I love you, or Baby I miss you. I know that she feels all these things for me, but a girl still likes to hear them; Especially in light of the situation at hand. I feel so stupid to think that today would be any different than yesterday. I mean, it started off better but it went from okay to shit.

This thing with her Ex is not something that I can get used to. Not when it has the impact that it does. I can't help feeling the way that I feel. I have a right to feel this way. Its not that I dont understand or havent tried to be more understanding...but this shit hurts. If the situation were reversed, the shit wouldnt even happen. How you gonna flip on me for an Ex myspacing me (and me telling you about it) and expect me not to be upset about you visiting your Ex. Expect me to be okay with you kickin it for 3 days. Man what the fuck ever!

I know that with time it will only get better and easier, and that she will be able to let go of the past more and more daily. If she loves me the way that I think she does, I will have first priority when it comes to matters of the heart. And eventually I wont stress it so much. Well...thas all for now, it feels good to sorta vent and try to verbalize a little of what Im feelin. She's prb sleep again anyway. Until next time. Holla atcha girl.