Breath In, Breath Out...Then Sigh Deeply

Things in my life right now are so screwed up.

Once again my mother has jumped on the opportunity to create debt for me, only this time she really messed me up because she overdrafted my bank account, which gets worse by the day. Most people hate their job, but at least when payday comes, they have something to show for their efforts. Because my account is overdrawn, I cant receive any of the money that I have worked 6 days a week for the past 4 weeks to make...Stupid direct deposit. Its not like I can just quit either, I need my job....maybe one day I will have enough on a check to finally get the negative balance to break even.

The other thing that is troubling me recently is women...

Samantha and I had a HUGE fallout. She went crazy! She hit me, cussed out my mom and sisters and ruined any chance of real reconciliation with my family. Being with her is absolutely forbidden. If I were to be with her, I would lose my family.
After the fallout I didnt speak to her for a couple weeks, I was doing good. But one faithful night I gave into my urges and called her. She came to see me and we have been secretly seeing each other every so often. I love her so much, but she doesnt see it. She doesnt see all that I risk each time that we are together. It has nothing to do with my psudo-girlfriend, if I got caught by her it wouldnt be that big a deal. I dont even want to be with her. I stay with her because if I broke up with her there would be too many questions from my family. I told Samantha that
I would break up with her and be with her in September. She doesnt understand why I have to wait, but if I did it now I would have no support system. Id have nowhere to stay. September is the opportune time because I wont be around my family, and it wouldnt matter if they found out because I will be able to support myself. Everything will be a lot less complicated then. But she cant wait. I dont even have sex with my girl, just because I want to be with Samantha, its almost like I dont have a girlfriend. Samantha is always throwin tha fact that she is single in my face and talkin to all these other girls even though she knows how I feel. At this point I cant do this anymore.

She is selfish just like it had been acknowledged in a previous post. She wants me to give up my whole life right now, when she gives up nothing and continues to talk to all these other bitches? It doesnt work like that. I asked her not to see these other girls, to let them go. But she wont. That shows me a lot. She is willing to choose these other bitches over me. Why should I give up my family for someone who doesnt truely care about me. If she did she would have been with me at least one of the 4 days that I blew my girlfriend off because I thought that I would be with her. Its all good though. Im done, Im throwing in the towel; its probably what's best for me. She keeps tellin me that she'll see me again in September...Now Im sayin that isnt gonna happen because Im not worth her time now, so she isnt worth giving up everything else in my life. So with that Im gonna put my best foot forward and try to give myself to a woman who really loves me and is trying to be there for me, the one who I keep pushing away. Until next time...