LTNS Continued...

So we've now reached the near present. As you all know from before, I was pretty into this girl Sam; but I figured that she wasnt feelin the same way about me. Not long ago, as Miranda and I were coming to our end, Sam came to visit me from Tennessee. At first, I honestly didnt think that she would actually come. I figured although things with her girlfriend were rocky, she was still with her. Furthermore, she had said once before that she would stop through but didnt; so I assumed that this instance would be the same also. So anyway, she got here and I was so nervous. I was so afraid that I wouldnt meet her expectations. That I wouldnt be pretty enough or that my personality wouldn't please her. She was so quiet. That made me even more nervous. But as time moved on, she gradually got a lil more comfortable with me. Before too long we were making out; not long after that we had sex. I was so afraid about the sex, more so than about the way that I looked. I had talked so much shit about how good I was at what I "do" and how I would make her cum over and over, that I wasnt so sure that I could live up to the reputation that had created when we talked online.

After all of the worrying, everything turned out well. I still wasn't sure if what I was feeling for her was in vain, but I just went with it. Not long after that, things with her girlfriend became unbearable so I offered for her to move back to Ohio and live with me. The plan was for her to stay at my house because my mom was supposed to be leaving for rehab for 6 months. Things got complicated when my mom was unable to get into her program. It was okay though, Sam is still stayin at my house. This is the present state of things.
sam
Im not sure how I feel about everything right now. I think Im feeling fear more than anything else. I have strong feelings for her, but I dont want to put pressure on her to be with me just because she lives in my house, and I am doing a lot to help her out. I want her to like me for me, and not what Im doing for her. She tells me that shes not really talkin to anyone else and that she doesnt really want to talk to other girls, but lately Im finding that hard to believe. It feels as though she wants to just push me away, not intentionally of course. I think maybe its a protective instinct. I feel like she doesnt really want anything to do with me romantically. I try to kiss her, she turns away... It kills me everytime. I think that I need to just play it a little more careful with my heart. I just have to make my heart understand the way that my brain does that she isnt exactally looking to be with anyone seriously right now. I have to make my heart understand that by putting itself out there completely it takes an even greater risk of being hurt because it might end up being a rebound. Im just going to continue to be patient with her and hope that maybe one day soon, she'll come around.

The final thing that just happened, yesterday is that my mom had a heart attack. She's still in the hospital but Ill keep this updated over the next few days. Until next time...