Fallen...

My entire existance is so fucked up right now...and it's all my fault.
It just wasn't worth it.
I guess I just didnt realize that I was one glide away from falling thru the ice.
I've failed the test again, and there is no retest this time.
I feel like the boy who cried wolf.
I thought I was there before, and said I was...but I fell.
Last talk, I reached an epiphany...
This time feels completely different from the rest.
This time I really am motivated.
This time it really is in my head just how important this is, I am.
This time I really do know what the argument is about.
This time I didn't simply agree to get out of hot water.
This time I truly understood with nearly all my being.
But,
Old habits die hard.
So what, my mistake isnt drugs and going in and out of rehab.
Laziness is my drug.
I had a relapse...
but I am unforgiven.
I'm booted and banished.
A mistake that honestly wasn't worth it.

My relationship...
over.
I have no family
I have no friends
I am alone.

All for the 10 minutes lying in bed as she walked in.

Its Not Cheating...

ME, MYSELF AND I
THAT'S ALL I GOT IN THE END
THAT'S WHAT I FOUND OUT
AND IT AINT NO NEED TO CRY
I TOOK A VOW THAT FROM NOW ON
I'M GON'NA BE MY OWN BEST FRIEND...

Beyonce was really dead on with these lyrics. No, my girl isn't cheating whatever it is that's going on hurts just as bad...maybe even worse. When someone cheats its typically with some loose woman and its just a fit of passion. But this is not that case for me. She's off in California visiting her ex-girlfriend. There are so many ways in which that is unexcusable. Its so fuckin wrong, but then you bring in all the reasonings that make it surficially okay. Nine years they were together, but she claims that she was unhappy since the start. They're good friends, my girl is the only someone this newly "recovered" drug addict has, not to mention the 9 year old dog they share.

This shit sux so bad. How the hell can I compete with time, with history, with circumstance. She tells me that she's in a hard spot with this whole situation as well. That she's hurting too. Like she's having to choose one heart over another. She's simply out there to allow the Ex to see the dog...This shit is about more than a fuckin dog. If that werent the case you'd answer my calls, or at least text me back when you say you would. Okay...ur tired, right...I think you just dont want to deal with the reality of the situation. You dont want to know the extent to which Im hurting. Everytime you dont respond, it chips away at me. You say that your not, but your chosing her over me. Im in second, again. I keep thinkin it will change, things will be different. I keep tellin myself, it doesnt matter. Im the only one in her life. But Im not, if I were I wouldnt feel like she's putting that bitch's feelings above mine. Perhaps I shouldnt take it so personal, but Im a sensitive girl...and at this point Ive left myself wide open, and anyone who knows me knows thats not my style.

Maybe Im just the jealous new girlfriend. Maybe Im too paranoid for my own good. Or maybe not. She may not be physically cheating. But I feel as though Im being emotionally cheated on. I dont know how else to describe it. She holds that bitch on this pedastole. That ginger little loving caring tone she takes everytime she talks to her. The way that she "forgot" her phone in the car last nite at dinner, but knew the many times that I would be trying to get in touch for a simple reassurance that I am the one. I wasnt asking for a 5 hour long phone call, or even 5 mins. All I wanted was a 3 character text to show me that she cared, maybe even a 30 second phone call to say baby I love you, or Baby I miss you. I know that she feels all these things for me, but a girl still likes to hear them; Especially in light of the situation at hand. I feel so stupid to think that today would be any different than yesterday. I mean, it started off better but it went from okay to shit.

This thing with her Ex is not something that I can get used to. Not when it has the impact that it does. I can't help feeling the way that I feel. I have a right to feel this way. Its not that I dont understand or havent tried to be more understanding...but this shit hurts. If the situation were reversed, the shit wouldnt even happen. How you gonna flip on me for an Ex myspacing me (and me telling you about it) and expect me not to be upset about you visiting your Ex. Expect me to be okay with you kickin it for 3 days. Man what the fuck ever!

I know that with time it will only get better and easier, and that she will be able to let go of the past more and more daily. If she loves me the way that I think she does, I will have first priority when it comes to matters of the heart. And eventually I wont stress it so much. Well...thas all for now, it feels good to sorta vent and try to verbalize a little of what Im feelin. She's prb sleep again anyway. Until next time. Holla atcha girl.

The Rebound...

Its so hard.

I cant believe how bad it hurts this time. I mean it hurt before with Kristie, but I've never felt pain like this. All I want to do is cry and its the only thing I can think about. I know that it is the right thing, but my heart and the emotional side of me cant let go. I keep trying to wrap my mind around the idea that on Friday she will leave. She will go back to Las Vegas and continue to live her life, a new life that doesnt include me as a significant other. I understand it all, and you cant give what you dont have; so I just need to suck it up, be a woman and move on. I swear if I could just go a moment without thinking about it, maybe I can breathe again.

I do know one thing, Im not going to rush head first into another relationship. Im not gonna make someone my rebound. Because that would just be wrong. I will say, I intend to have some fun and meet some new people and rush head first into this quarter in school. Ive learned a few valuable lessons and one of which is that life goes on. Not necessarily when you want it to or how you want it to, but it does. Who knows...after she is gone maybe things will be even more clear to me and all of this hurt that I feel will subside. Until next time...

I hate holidays

I swear, when it rains it pours. It jus seems like nothing in my life can workout right. It has to be me, I guess I deserve things to be this way. Mark my words though...this is not how Im going to spend next year. Too much bullshit this past year, especially the end of it. It all jus happens at once. My mom and her bullshit, my lil sister living with me, and then finally I get dumped...Its my fault though, cuz I set myself up to be a rebound and blinded myself from seeing it.

Its all good though, cuz just like the tattoo that Im getting, I WILL PERSEVERE! I always do and always will...minor setbacks is all. I really hate the holidays. They're so fuckin depressing. I spent thanksgiving alone and Christmas will be the same. I swear its jus another day. Its all good though. I dont even know what the hell or why the hell Im typing. It feels so good jus to rant and get it out. No responce, no judgement. Im sick of being criticized and joked on. I feel like a new person. I thought I was guarded with myself before.....

I will never again be put into a situation where I fall vulnerable. This year says goodbye to the nice, compassionate, giving Crystal, and ushers in the I could give two shits less, cold and frigid, its whatever ice queen....

This ones Kinda Lame...

So I don't really have anything important to say, jus feel like blogging. Figure its been awhile so why not? School starts soon (finally!) and it appears that I will have the rest of my life back. Im outta my madre's house and in my own lil spot now! Things are lookin up. I have a new feeling of...I cant even begin to put it into words yet. The love life is suddenly becoming interesting. A bit scary even. Tiff came to see me and now Im here seein her. Things are lookin up, not gonna say anymore though, when you talk about things u tend to jinx them...at that, holla atcha girl

For An Angel

Can I talk to you
For a minute
There's something on my mind
That I wanna say
Oh reality is,
takin control of me cause I know, baby
I know that you're not with me
Oh loving you boy
I wanna contradict my word
I belong with you,
I do truly wanna know (wanna know)

[Chorus]
When you hear me talkin,
watcha think
When you lookin into my eyes,
watcha see
I know you ain't tryna to be my man
Watcha think about us bein friends,
makin plans
To be everything we wanna be,
makin our dreams turn reality
I'm diggin everything you appear to be
And I'm wonderin if we could be real good good friends

So emotional,
you know I am
That's why you do me the way you do me,
if you be cool wit me
You'll see, that I'm all you need and all that you dream
And never would leave,
you'll be by my side forever
Swear to God we'll grow old together,
then reality would be you and me

[Chorus]
When you hear me talkin,
watcha think (oh yea)
When you lookin into my eyes,
watcha see (when you see mebaby)
I know you ain't tryna to be my man
Watcha think about us bein friends,
makin plans (sometimes Ithink your so so so scared)
To be everything we wanna be, makin our dreams turn reality
I'm diggin everything you appear to be
And I'm wonderin (wonderin)
if we could be (we could be)friends

If we could be friends,
baby
You'll be all I need,
baby
I'll give you wat ever you want and never would leave you afront
And be wat you need, baby
Be all I have, baby
And I'd be there for you,
and never would front do wat you do

[Chorus]
When you hear me talkin,
watcha think
When you lookin into my eyes,
watcha see (watcha see)
I know you ain't tryna to be my man
Watcha think (watcha think) about us bein friends,
makinplans
To be everything we wanna be,
makin our dreams turn reality
I'm diggin everything you appear to be
And I'm wonderin if we could be real good good friends
If we could be friends, baby
You'll be all I need, baby
Oh shuba dub du du du
Be everything you wanna be
Making our dreams turn reality
I'm diggin everything you appear to be
And I'm wonderin...

To Her...

Since I couldnt manage to get a hold of her, I sent her a message and apologized but her responce was....
It doesnt matter anyway...
This whole thing between us has been on my mind all day and night, to find out that she went to Chicago to see her...it tears me apart. But it also helps me to move on. So in responce to her I wrote...

Yeah, I realize it doesnt matter, honestly I dont think that anything does to you. You have confirmed a lot of things for me. How you can just go to Chicago and see that cock lovin bitch its beyond me, especially after hearing you constantly talk about how she does you. She's selfish and bi, and thats not gonna change. But if thats what you want, more power to you. That was so wrong that you had me over for nothing more than to use my computer. The whole time you didnt talk to me, all you did was text; you barely let me touch you which is fine and dandy. The way Im feelin right now has nothing to do with sex, contrary to what you think, its a matter of the heart. I have given up so much for you, and was willing to go even farther, but you havent shown me anything recently that would indicate that my sacrifices have even been worth the end outcome (hell you cant even talk to me unless you want something, or there is no one else). Your over me, and thats fine. I would just have appreciated that instead of you having me over and leading me on that u have just told me that you really want nothing to do with me. I hope that you figure yourself out, and find whatever it is thats gonna make you happy in a way that i cant. I love you, and always will, Im just done. This is something that i truely mean, you've had or will have sex with her, and because of that I dont want you. I havent had sex since the last time that I was with you, but Im pretty sure over the next few days thats gonna change. So I hope that she's worth it, because you will never be with me again. We coulda had a real future together...what do you and would you have with her, maybe something until she decides to leave u and fuck Adam or some other guy...well anyway, Ive got work in the morning so I guess Ill talk to u whenever.


Her responce was...

I don't have to have your permission to come to chicago.....Yes i wanted to see her, but I just needed to get away from Columbus and mitchell for a min.... And I don't care if you go back and tell him that i said that, seeing how he told me yall are best friends again. Ha! Whatever I thought you respected my wishes on that?....And i don't need you to use your computer wtf? I was burning a damn Cd. NOT that serious......you're just mad cuz everytime you tried to come onto me, I wasn't feeling it. Sorry, but when i told you i didn't really want to be around you or anything til Sept. i meant it. But you chose to still come around, so I just tried to be cool with you. True, I lost you to that bitch, but in the end you've lost me. cuz you haven't went about this whole situation the right way....So when you say i'll never be with you again, do you think i truly care? not anymore.

Then I said...

No, you dont have to have my permission to go to chicago, but if you cared anything about me you would have shown a lil compassion about the way I felt for you. But like I said before, you wanna be with that bitch its all fine and dandy. Second, Mitchell and I aren't bestfriends. The only reason I called was because I wanted to figure out what the hell was going on, since you didnt have the courtesy to tell me. Its not like we talked about anyting besides you. Your wishes would have been respected had you let me know what was up. Mitchell is cool peoplez, Im not tryin to bring him into anything. Finally I chose to come around because you kept calling me. But its all cool. Like you said you'er over me, and the more I think about this whole situation the easier it makes it for me to say FUCK YOU. So I guess you do you and I'll do me. Maybe one day we can be friends

Then she said...

I'm not with anybody actually....And no fuck showing any compassion for how you feel....I know how you feel but i was tired of hearing it. And don't try to put it all on me, that the reason you came over was cuz i call you....WHO wanted me to come pick them up at 1 n the morning cuz they wanted to see me? And how many times did you say we were done talking but yet you still called. BLAh..........anyways i have better things to be doin right now, later. P.S. Fuck u too?

Then I said...

Well sorry for expressing how I felt about you. All you had to do was tell me how much you hated me and I woulda stopped. I mean I seriously think you hate me. Sorry for what I did, I made a mistake but obviously you havent forgiven me. As for wantin to see you at 1am, I was tryin to see you earlier than that but had trouble gettin ahold of u, you claimed you wanted to see me too. I wont ask you to come get me anymore. Its all cool, Ive said it before but Im really done. I know its gonna be hard but I will prevail, I always do. So have a good time doin what ur doin.