A Qwikie!!!

This is just a quick update...I'm in Kansas now and will be here till around like August 5th. My Aunt has no internet so Im at the library for a couple minutes. Things are good...jus went to the mall and got the cuuuuutest new jacket...welp thas it for now holla at u laters...

Leavin, on a jet plane (well not really)

Welp...gettin ready to prep for take off; (via car of course) with my family for Tennessee. Thats the location of our big annual family reunion (more family than ne one should b exposed to at once). Well the Haynes side of the family I should say. I swear the my mom's side of the family never does major get togethers. Its gonna be fun to go to the reunion and see family members that I havent seen since I was a lil kid. Its always funny when random people come up to me and are all like "I haven't seen you since u were this big, do you remember me?" ("this big" being like the size of a 5 year old or younger) You just look at them after they say that and wonder "did she really mean that," lol?

I think the thing Im lookin foreward to most is the fact that I just graduated and I know that they're gonna give me money!!! Not to sound shallow or like I dont care about the family or anything like that....I just am gettin a lil short on cash so it's coming right on time!

Yesterday was cool. Suz Q and I are gettin along okay again, she was only a lil attitudinal...doesnt matter to me much ne more cuz Im movin out bitches! But we ran in a track meet yesterday. It was freakin 92 degrees. I hadnt gone to track practice in forever (since I got outta school) and still placed 2nd in the 100m. The girl that beat me runs for UT, but I honestly coulda beat her if I was training. I did beat a couple other college chicks tho...so I was still pretty amped. I am sore as hell now!

After that Suz Q, Ruthie, and I rented Million Dollar Baby.That movie was so sad. if u havent seen it u might wanna skip this paragraph cuz im about to spoil it a lil for u. I seriously thought that after she got hurt she would make a comeback, but she didtnt that totally pissed me off, she just dies.

I cant believe how sad that movie was...but I still thought it was really good. It actually made me wanna become a boxer...I could too. Im tuff enuff, I'd be a natural. Well anyway thats all for now. I might be able to post while Im away, but u'd have better luck catchin my cell. Until a lil later...gimme a call or somethin B

A letter from mom, plus two works of my own

Just got in from the post office (had to mail my friend from France) and bank and remembered a letter that my mom wrote me that I meant to post...

A Letter From My Mom:

Crystal, my baby,

I hope you know how very much I love you, and how proud I am of the woman you've become. I could only hope to be half the woman you are, after I get through all this. You've been so strong through all I've put you through. You've never once yelled or talked back to me, you never complained about the life that you were forced to live-- the one I unfortunately handed you. You were always strong and kept me and your sisters strong. You were always the strong one through it all.
If I hadnt had you at times to guide and encourage your sisters in the right direction I really dont think they would've got through some of the really rough times. Your beautiful, smart, and a really special gift from God to me and I am blessed. May God bless you and keep you always.
Love Mom


"Waiting"

Waiting for dreams
Waiting for hope that is unseen,
yet ever present in the life that
God has chosen for me to live.
Waiting for tears to stop,
and happiness to fluorish.
Waiting for true love
Waiting for true acceptance

"Why?"

Why worry, when there's nothing more you can do?
Why give, when all you have is taken?
Why hope, when dreams are false?
Why cry, when your numb to the feeling?
Why care, when no one else does?
Why love, when your subject to heartbreak?
Why live, when we're all meant to die?

Thats all for now..I'll post later after the track meet or before I leave for Tennessee or which ever comes first I guess...

Blah Blah Blah...

"Paintbrush"

I keep my paintbrush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show
Im so afraid to show you me
Afraid of what you'll do--
that you might laugh or say mean things
Im afraid I might lose you

I'd like to remove all my coats of paint
to show you the real true me,
but I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
Ill strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
to let the real me show

Now my coats are all stripped off
I feel naked, bare, and cold.
And if you still love me with all that you see
your my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paintbrush, though.
and hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
in case someone doesn't understand.
So please protect me,
my dear friend,
and thanks for loving me true.
But let me keep my paintbrush,
just until I can love me too

"Who You Are"

you, your different from the rest,
you, your light radiates brightly from society
over time you've come to mean so much to me
you know the trials and tribulations of my life
and bourne them with me, as if they were your own
Within your heart I have found my home
you accept me for who I am, never changing me
and in fact modeling yourself from me
you are a constant companion,
there when the rest of the world fades away
when no one else cares
your always ready and steady

until later...

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Ruled!!!

To all my friends who tried to send me for wantin to see that movie suck my balls!!!

I thought it was absolutely hilarius, despite the fact that I think Johnny Depp and the squirrels may have scared a few kids for life, lol...I thought he really played the part well...He and Tim Burton are a film making dreamteam. I really wanna see the new one "the ghost bride" or whatever its called...

Anyway!!! Im back home wit the host family, and could it be anymore akward??? So many akward scilences, its definately time for me to get the hells outta here! I went out last night jus to escape the feeling that Im bein stared at or somethin, lol.

I talked to my mom and she doesnt want me to move to M-Town wit my bestfriend/babys mama which I dont understand. Its only gonna be for like a month. But I can do what I want, I'm grown, aint like she's gotta crib for me to stay at. I think she jus wants me to be in the CO because then she has easy access to borrow (and never pay back mind u) my money. Seriously she owes me close to $400 if not more. Im jus like dude u took all my spendable money, Im not goin into the savings unless its for college!

Well anyway Im gonna get back to scrapbooking, Im nearly done.

And Away I Go!!!

Well...looks like today is the last day I'll be in M-town for a lil while.
Gotta get back to the CO (aka Columbus) before my family (the real one) leaves for Tennessee without me!
Its been fun bein here wit my bestfriend/baby's mama but I kno she probably needs a break from me for a lil while before I move in.

My host family is back from their vacation in Michigan and I got a call from them (via mother Mary) last night. She was asking me if I had thought about making other living arrangements "its not that we dont want u here...yada yada yada" (in so many words she was just like I want my house back get out!!!) So I was all like "yea, I've already made other living arrangements" (which was sorta true, I mean I asked Leslie what she thought about me movin in till school started and she was like that would be cool. The only dilemma Im facing now is what to do with my doggie:/ )

I love Carlton to death, he's "mommy's boy!" He's about 2 and a half years old and he is a jack russell (I gotta post a pic of him soon!) He is such a good dog! He does tricks and is able to wait till ur ready to take him out to use the bathroom. He's my cuddle buddy. I swear, he's the smartest dog ever! But I cant have him in the dorms when I go to college, Leslie has a baby on the way and a dog of her own and I cant taake him back to the humane society because they will euthanize him:( I have no clue what to do with him...

Thats my main worry right now besides my mom...but honestly with her Im at the why bother point ya kno...well anyway I gotta bounce but if anyone who reads this has a suggestion about what to do w/ my dog Carlton, holla atcha girl

Jessica Alba Is A Sexy Bitch

So Im sittin here horny as all hell
decided to watch a movie to chill out
so i put on "Honey"
Suddenly I remember jus how sexy Jessica Alba is...

Damn this girl is fyne

she's got nothin on u B
;)

Another Restless Night

I really need to get laid...
I'm tryin real hard to get some sleep,
to ignore the fact that I'm horny as hell

BUT IT AIN'T WORKIN!!!

Images of intimacy float through my head
visions cloud my mind

The look of her lips, the swing of her hips
her style, her smile, her sexy profile
the sound of her voice, and flirtatious ways
her sittin on my face

His tight abs, and provocative smile
the sway of his dick, he can handle his stick
the strength of his arms, his manly charm
Me sittin on his face

I want sex
I'll take it via:

Park
Home
Outside
oNline
Elevator
something somewhere, it really doesnt matter...

So Horny

Yea, last night I found myself alone and completely wanting.
So I did what any red-blooded American would do in the situation...
I watched porn!!!

So there I sat watching this porn
Girl on girl action...black chick, white chick
I start envisioning myself with my favorite girl crush
(none other than B of course)
I tried calling her, but there was no answer
Had no vibrator or dildo so I worked it out with my fingers
I felt myself working to my own steady quiet moans
I was already super wet at that point and still hadn't taken off my panties
I rubbed on my nipples, still hard at work down low
Just wishing there was someone else there (i.e. B)
giving me the attention I craved
Then I found myself just wanting to grind,
So I started to grind my pillow...REAL hard
Imagining that it was B on top of me, cunt to cunt
Grinding up and down, me pulling her hips back and forth
So I just kept that going for awhile until I found myself asleep

I woke up this morning wet from last night
pillow still between legs
STILL thinkin bout B
Still Horny

boredom has set in

Yea... just sittin here with absolutely nothing to
I was lookin through my documents and found this crappy picture that a friend took of me. I would post it but it wont come up. I look really goofy, wasn't ready for the picture to be taken. Don't u hate it when that happens?

Or when like someone insists on takin a picture of you when you don't wanna take one. Its jus like get that fuckin camera outta my face before I shove it down your throat.

Or action photos? Man those things always suck. You always look like your demon possessed or just in a really uncomfortable position. The one you see at left is me long jumping (I was all district and city w/ that jump!) I swear my picture was in the paper like all the time for one sport or another and I constantly was made into the butt of many jokes due to these horrific photos. One you gotta love...Lemme kno how goofy I look!

And B, I didn't forget...last night I said I would write about you and thats what I intend to do...just gotta find the words to do so. You know how your beauty has the effect of makin me go speechless ;)

Until a lil later holla atcha girl!!!

is this hot or what?

This picture really turns me on for some reason...
The sensation of another female's skin against your own
The soft sensual kisses of another woman
The whole idea of going into the forbidden
She knows what feels good and how to please you
Hearing the way she moans in pleasure
Feeling her breathing and the steady climaxing rythem of her heart
she can please you in ways that no man can

B, this should so be us ;)
hit up my cell sometime

The Power Of Prayer and Positivity!!!

Well, just an hour ago I was in a panic about to leave m-town to go to a hospital to se moms....but now everything is okay. I jus got a call from my lil sister. She said everything is fine now. It was just a normal allergic reaction, and all the tests are clear!!! whew!

So that means Wyandot Lake is still on for Brittany (aka b-breezie) & her bf, Leslie (aka my baby's mama), Theo (if he still wants to go), and myself....fun in the sun until later holla atcha girl

Helloooooooo World

yeah...its been awhile

But its been a good time for me for the most part. A well needed break from Columbus and I have gotten to rebuild bonds an old friend here in Marion (aka m-town). Things were pretty good up until this morning but I shoulda knew the bad would come before too long. I get a call at 8 this morning and its my aunt Deborah (aka Dale, shes one of the black sheeps of the family) and she's all like "Im at the hospital with your mom!"

Now in my head, I was freakin out, but I tried to sound calm for her cuz she was a lil shaken by everything (once again I have to be the strong one in the family). She put my mom on the phone and she's gonna be back in the hospital for a while. What had happened was(--->why do all stories start with that<---)she was goin to the bathroom last night and got dizzy, she then passed out, hit her head on the dresser, and busted her eye up. She went into the Emergency room last night and got stiches. She was allergic to the stitches though, and they made her whole face swell. So now she's there under observation and they're gonna do more tests (CAT scans, MRI's, and something to see if she has cancer) and they're talkin about doin surgery sooner, it wasn't supposted to be until the 15th of August, but now they think shes gonna have another stroke. So she's gonna be there for a while.

I have to get my azz back to Columbus asap (its only bout 50 miles away so it shouldnt take but 45-60 minutes...) I talked to my girl B-Breezie, she & her boyfriend are gonna make the drive. Theo offered to come get me but I didnt want him to have to drive all the way to m-town and then back to Columbus (plus I dont want to go all that way in a car with him the way Im feelin right now)

Im jus gonna stay positive, pray, and try to continue to be the strong one for my mom and family...Im gonna have to post this letter she wrote me before graduation...Ill save that for another day though, until next time holla atcha girl... and please pray for me and my family

God Bless America???

Religion is nearly invisible in today's society. It is a rarity to see someone bow his or her head in humble supplication. Many on television are quick to say, "I wanna give thanks to God," but do nothing in their daily lives that is pious or Godly. How can people be so hypocritical?

The entertainment industry is full of so-called rappers, wannabe "Popstars", and notorious "bad boys" (no need to mention girls) who live the "fabulous" life. I like to think of it as the sinful life. They drink, party, defile their bodies, and break all the laws that the rest of society is forced to follow. Many of them show no regard for moral or religious value. However, on the magical night of awards, instant religion quickly manifests. "First and foremost, I would like to give thanks to God, because without him-- I wouldn't be here." Its all a facade. One day, perhaps the day of judgement, Visa and MasterCard will not be accepted.

Another issue in American culture that I consider quite controversial is the mass media after 9/11. After the planes hit the Twin Towers, people began to exalt from all ends of the country, "God Bless America." Don't get me wrong, its great to be patriotic...but where was this grandeur show of patriotism before the tragedy. Now you don't hear it as frequently, but since July 4th has reared its head for the year, the showing is back. But I have to ask the question, what has America done for God? America needs to take a moment to recognize these things. People should fall on their knees, repent, and pray for forgiveness, because most of the "God bless America"statements that you hear are truly in vain.

The Pledge of Allegiance, first drafted by our forefathers in 1892, was altered (under authorization of President Dwight D. Eisenhower) in 1954 to include the clause "under God." When authorizing this change, President Eisenhower said, "In this way, we are reaffirming the transcendence of religious faith in America's heritage and future; in this way we shall strenghten those spiritual weapons which forever will be our country's most powerful resource in peace and war."

As candidly stated by President Eisenhower, the United States was founded as a Christian nation. (Now this doesn't mean that one cannot hold their own beliefs about religion.) People of all creeds left their home countries to persue freedom, more specifically to escape religious persecution. People wanted to be able to show their religious values and principles without fear of punishment.

Was it an accident that the words "one nation under God" was included? Of course not! Were our forefathers aware that the religiously founded nation would soon turn against God? Did they know that it would be debated to have God's name removed from the pledge or anything haveing to do with the people's government? Is it right-- of course not! This nation was founded as Christian, why should it be changed for a few angry liberals or non-Christians. So you don't want to say the pledge, don't-- heck, why stop there , don't spend the money either, after all, it does read the words read "In God We Trust."

All over the country, religious values are slowly fleeing, however, the words "God Bless America" is fleeting. I have nothing against people who aren't Christian or those who don't believe in the works of Christ. I'm not saying all people in America have lost all sense of Christian values and morals, but I am saying that their are plenty of hypocrites. In the end, I have no Heaven or Hell to send anyone to. I can only rant and express my views to anyone who cares to read or listen.

Rough Night...

Writing can be so therapeutic. You get out all the things that you’ve got swirling around in your mind. All the things that have built up inside that you feel you cannot tell anyone. Right now I feel so alone and lost. Things really feel as if they’re at the lowest point again. I’ve had numerous lows in life, but right now is definitely one of the lowest. My life is so complicated. I’m seriously homeless, I have no money, and then there’s my mother…

Before she made it complicated enough with her drug addiction, but recently it got even more complicated when she had her heart attack/stroke. It hurts and pisses me off so much that she doesn’t care enough about herself or my sisters and me enough to stop the drugs. I can remember how she would sometimes fly off the hinges and tell us “You 3 lil bitches are the reason I get high…” The reason she drank, the reason she partied and stayed away for days and weeks at a time. But through it all I still love her unconditionally, with all her short comings and faults.

When she got sick, I remember sitting in the hospital with her for 8 days straight. I took two baths in that time span. I honestly never left her side, I can remember her waking up in that hospital bed and her looking at me and saying “who’s that” or “who are you” because she didn’t recognize her own daughter. That was one of the hardest and scary things that I have been through. A mother, unable to recognize her own children. I took on the role of adult (not that I hadn’t already, I practically raised my sisters), I made my sisters go to school while I sat there with her. Those eight days were the most time my mother and I had spent together since I can remember, pretty sad huh?

I’ve always found myself trying to stay away. Just so I wouldn’t have to think about or deal with my home life. Before my mom would accuse me of taking on so many activities just to avoid being home. Before I wouldn’t admit that. But now I do. I would get involved with anything at school that would keep me out. I mainly did sports. Between practice and games, all I would have time to do once I got home was close myself into my room and do my homework, get a bite to eat, and go to bed. No time to talk to my mother who was probably drunk, high, or trying to get to that point. No time to worry about my arguing sisters, no time sit idle in my messy house.

I always put on this façade for people around me. They never got past it either. They didn’t know about the life that I was leading. They all jus thought I was this “responsible, mature, smart, nice, happy-go-lucky, young lady.” My friends didn’t know about my life either. I had this grand lie going because I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I never let people stay the night at my house, or even come inside. People never knew about the nights my sisters and I went hungry, the number of days that my mom had been gone. They couldn’t see the things that I had to do for money. I don’t even have the strength to talk about that…too many bad memories for one night. I know that growing up the way that I have has made me into the strong independent individual that I am today. I cannot allow myself to fail, I’m afraid I’ll end up like my parents. I will succeed; I refuse to fail, to settle, become another statistic. Another black chick wit funnily named babies that she can’t take care of, living hand to mouth, barely surviving on welfare. I WILL THRIVE, believe that…until next time holla atcha girl, Im tired and its going to be a long night…too many things to think about this ain’t even the half of my life…. I’m so fucking depressed right now I jus need to try to go to sleep before I do something crazy.

Time To Bounce

Yup...
the time has come to leave the comfortable life of my "host family."
Its been fun to see how the other half lives. The half that doesnt have to scrape and hustle for cash. The half that lives comfortably. Im gonna miss those "family" dinners, you kno the ones where everyone gathers around the table and talks about their day and the major (or minor) events in their lives. These are the things that happened regularly (like everyday) in this household. So calm and at peace. So different from the life that Im used to. It has almost been surreal...maybe its a white people thing?
Welp...tomorrow I'll be off to M-town to chill wit my bestfriend and "baby's mama," Leslie (she's getting soooo big she's due 09/05/05!!!)...so until the next time I get to a computer, holla atcha girl

I turned away...

I feel really bad...we talked and decided to jus wait to start a relationship when he comes back (maybe, but i didnt tell him the maybe part) But we hung out. It was fun we played tennis (I Venus Williams'ed his ass) We get to the house he walks me to the door step. We hug and he then leans in to kiss me. I turned away. I was like we said we were gonna be friends for now, and he was like "Oh, for real" and i was like "yea..."
I said it kinda joking like but all the same I said it. I feel really bad. I wish I could take it back...he was probably hurt. I was talkin to my friend about it and like she made me feel worse. Why musy I have commitment problems??? Should I feel bad?

Blog-worthy Pic

Isn't this a really interesting pic. I was surfing random sites and came across this. I thought to myself..."this is definately blog-worthy" but as of right now I dont have any real words so guess Ill jus leave it at that.
Until later, holla atcha girl

So Confused (damn u theo!)

So...I went to Red, White, and Boom with Theo and a "couple" good friends of mine. Somewhere along the way I told Theo that I wouldn't mind goin out with him. (I mean he's liked me for more than a year now and recently we've started to hangout.) I guess that meant that I gave him the go ahead to start using titles...
We were in Krogers and he runs into some of his friends from church and he starts introducing me as his girlfriend.

I WASN'T FEELIN THAT!!!

Now I feel really bad because he is a really nice guy and we have been hangin out a lot, but to me thats exactly what its been...hangin out. I really am not attracted to him but he's really cool to hang out with. I jus have a problem seeing him as my boyfriend. Dont get me wrong he's perfect boyfriend material. Hes a complete gentlemen, pulls out my chair, opens doors, pays for everything, the whole nine. I just really cant be with him.

Maybe I'm afraid of commitment. But, honestly, who wouldn't be. Im 18, an incomming freshman at the Ohio State University this fall (which happens to be the 1st or 2nd largest university in the nation), and I'm not a bad lookin girl if I do say so myself. He's 25, not very cute and doesnt even have a hot body. Then the plot thickens further...he's goin into the National Guard. He's leaving for four months in August.

I think Im jus gonna have to talk to him today and let him kno that I jus cant do this. I cant be his girlfriend. He expects me to wait for him while he's gone for four months...dude, thats a hell of a lotta time when u consider the amount of guys Ill meet on campus. I feel bad that Im really about to break his heart. I jus really dont kno what to do yet...guess I'll let it drag on for a while. Till Later...holla atcha girl

Theo

What the hell is wrong with me???

He's not a conversationalist
but he is
He's not intelligent
but he is
He's not honest
but he is
He's not caring
but he is
He's not a gentleman
but he is
He's not head over heels for me
but he is
He's not handsome
this is true
He's jus not my type
but he is
Does this make me shallow?

Homeless, Can It Get Much Worse???

Welp...
I think Im really bout to b homeless for a minute...which really is bout to suck. Suz Q has been pretty bitchy lately and needs her space. I know her parents are probably tired of this black chick livin in their crib too. So I think its time to depart. Next week my "host family" is goin on their family vacation and has given me word that I need to find something to do with myself.

Soooooooooooo... I guess I'll see about stayin wit my bestfriend since she jus got her apartment. I kno she'll take me in. I really am not excited about movin back to Marion tho. Its so small and country and well I guess it "ain't" that bad.

Talked to my mom yesterday. She's all depressed because my sisters and I are split up and there's nothing she can do about it because she cant get her own place. (she jus finished a bankrupcy and is bein like black-balled from every rentable apartment) She has to go back to the doctors today (im goin with her) to do more tests or get results or something along those lines. I think they might jus tell us that surgery is a go for the 6th of July. Guess thas all for now but I'll probably have more later...holla atcha gurl

Graduation Pics!!!

Graduation...Such a proud day. As you can see they caught me and my boy Jonesy in a moment. Ryan and I had many of these so called moments all thru the year. This is the guy that sits around with me and makes random racist jokes about everyone (in fromt of everyone), including ourselves. He is the most hilarious person. But in this very moment that you see, no words were necessary. Ryan is the most awsome gay guy I kno...if he wasnt gay (and a few inches taller), I might have had to holla at him...

(by the way "PROOF" is all over Ryan b/c I didnt pay for the pic...$8.45 my azz, lol)