Stress

Life is full of stressors, lately its just a matter of coping. Im really just ready to get these finals over with and my papers completed. Yesterday was an excellent day. I got the opportunity to meet a couple new people and I hope that I get to see them again. Well anywho I have to go and take care of this paper...until next time holla atcha girl!

Heart, Just Listen To Mind...

Today was a good day, but an akward one. Kristie and I hung out...but just as friends. It almost felt like old times but whenever I would remember that there was no longer an us, I'd feel akward and sad all over again. Its so hard to let go of the ones you love. Its even harder to let go of your first love. Kristie will always hold a place in my mind and heart, but its just a matter of getting my heart to believe my mind. I know that things between us are over and they had been for awhile...I know that we're better as friends.

On another note, I met someone interesting today. Conversation was short, but from what I've heard I really like. I hope that we can become good friends, lord knows I could really use a few right now...until later, holla atcha girl

I honestly can't believe its really over

Wow! I know that I've said that its over...but this time it really is. It didnt end on angry terms or anything...I just ended up hurt. These past few weeks have been building up to it. I haven't been happy, not to mention been laid, in the past three or four weeks. I guess in a way its a good thing that we're done. I am free to see other people, and give myself freely without thinking in the back of my mind that I am a cheater. I honestly don't know that Im happy or sad right now. I just have to get past the hurt of being rejected, and not being loved in the same way that I loved her...there is no more of us, and that is something that Im really trying hard to come to grips with right now...

This doesn't mean that I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I'm ready to date...I've know that Kristie and I were over for a while now, so this day comes as no suprise. Its just a little akward. Im ready to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on to something else, something better. I am a good girl and I know that I can find someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. Someone who truly reciprocates my feelings. Its time that I move on, and thats what I intend to do! Until later...holla atcha girl!

A Good Day!

So its the day before Thanksgiving...excited! Tonight Im goin out wit my girlz for a DGB reunion and then in the morning I'll be back in town to get my grub on with my family...This holiday is lookin up, well until next time Holla atcha girl!

So That Took 4EVER!!!

Being the good friend that I am I took my friend KK to plnned parenthood, by way of BUS mind u! We were seriously there for 2 and a half hours...but it was worth it; I would hate to see her end up pregnant. After that went to class where I jus bombed my math quiz, blah! Now getting ready to go to our flag football game...I hope we win! I'll be sure to let you know how it goes and stuff.

Man all that work for a lil pill! lol

Im Done!

Im seriously done! No more takin Kristie's bullshit...I can do better. I am going to find someone who will treat me as if they love me, and not jus say the words. She's always mad at me and I'm not gonna put up with it anymore. She says she's going to change, but its not going to happen. I know that we could be really good friends but Im not so sure that we work as a couple. So I say this and Im serious, jus like I was serious before (ha!) Life can be so hard when your in love...

Just A Day

In the words of Vanessa Carlton,

Just a day
Just an ordinary day;
Just tryin to get by.

Yeah, I really don't feel one way or another right now. Today has been neither good nor bad... so far. Well, I guess I could say that it has been pretty good. I got to have lunch with an old friend, reminicing about our good times at Stone Laboratory (we took a biology course there over the summer). We got to catch up on some of the events in our life, merely scraping the surface and never really getting into too much detail. Thats kinda how life works, we get just enough information and then we can move on to the next thing. I don't think that we do it on purpose, its just the human way, or is it only an American thing?

We are all wrapped up in our own lives, who really sincerely cares about the events in anothers, unless of course caring will benefit us in one way or another, even if it is just so that we can have the feeling of knowing that we have done a good thing. There is always personal motive behind everything we do, no matter how well intentioned we are, or if we realize it or not.

Grow the Frick Up

that title is not for ne of u who reads this unless your like my mom, then it is.

Im so pissed at her, once again. I swear, this time enough is enough. She managed to hurt me, guilt me (for all of 10 secs) and piss me off!

Okay, so my lil sister comes over, my aunt brought her because she had been stuck home alone for like 4 days, mind u with no real food, so my aunt wanted to get her outta tha house. I was so happy to see her. I mean I hadn't really been able to spend much time with school and all and I have no money to do anything fun. So while she's over she let me kno that our mother, the one who birthed us, decided to come home. She told me tail between legs, broke, ranting about everything. Blaming all her problems on the world. Then my sis got into the details, alerting me that mom said:

"all I care about is money" the money she is refering to is the $549 that my mother spent on MY credit card, that she had promised to pay. Now Im the one in debt here...I mean I think any person would b a lil concerned about their all important credit report. But any way...mom goes on to say that:

"I dont care about them and I never come and visit" ummmm hello Im in flippin college, life is busy! If Im not in class or studying for one, then I'm at work attempting to fix the debt that I was put in! I dont have time to take a bus all the way home, and if I did there's no guarentee that she'd be there anyway, and its not like I could call ahead, she didnt pay the phone bill, prob out wit her druggie friends. Even though, I had made Three trips home, and each time I came home nobody was there...The last time I had came, I was there with the purpose of buying them grocery and to get the title to the car out of my name back in her's so she could get the title...but like always she wasnt there, only my lil sister was.

So anway, I say all that to say that I'm done. Im done doing everything that she wants me to do. Im done taking the blame for all her short comings. It isnt my job, and never should have been, to take care of my little sisters, or my mom for that matter. I dont live there anymore so I dont have to care. I have chosen to care and made the choice to help them, got screwed...but Im still willing to help. I refuse to give my mom anymore money, all she'll use it for is drugs. If my sisters need help and its in my power to give without me reaping negative effects, its theirs...but I cant then, I cant. I have my own life now, and I can choose or choose not to deal with their bullshit. After the way my mom has treated me....I choose not to.

Soooooo, I say this all to say, she (my mom) doesnt need to talk to me until she can grow the frick up (or pay me back the $549 she owes me, whichever comes first)

blah...and another epiphany!

Work has a way of just making you feel all...blahhhh

Im tryin to get outta blah mode but everything has jus been so boring, I really need a pick me up today.

I know Im bein inconsistant and choppy, but I jus wanted to make note of how often things change and we dont even notice them. Take me for instance, I have never relied on anyone in my life. I have never really needed for affection or anything of the nature, until recently. Ive noticed that since Kristie and I have had our downs these past couple weeks, I've been more attention hungry than I've ever been in my life, and it totally freaks me out. Not to say that I'm overly needy or anything...but this protective wall that I have built seems to be coming down.

Growing up I didn't recieve a lot of affection and I had a lot of responcibility (ie takin care of my lil sisters). When your the oldest and have two disfunctional parents, you tend to mature quickly and grow thick skin. You don't need any psychological reinforcement, or physical affection. All you need is to be sure that your younger siblings will be okay and that they'll have food to eat, or that Christmas will be good for them. (by the way I honestly HATE Christmas...) Anyway, it's a little scary, but at this stage in my life I feel as though it's time to let my guard go a little. Maybe as I'm workin on becoming a shrink, I'll fix myself in the process lol. Anyway I think I'm gonna take a nap...Until next time, holla atcha girl!

Crazy, Sexy, Cool

So these past few weeks have been pretty cool...
I mean what week doesn't have its downs? But anyway things have been changing. Some for the better, and others are heading in a direction that I'm not so sure about.

Firstly I think Im positive of my sexuality, what I want and so forth so thas a HUGE plus. Ive been struggling with it for what seems like nearly my whole life, and no its not a phase!

My sisters are doin good, much as they used to piss me off...I find myself missing them, I havent seen them in what seems like ages, me bein in college now its hard to find the time. Although Im still pissed at my mom. Im still n debt because of her and Im still pissed all to hell! But sometimes u jus gotta let it slide (not her oweing me the money but me stressin over it, lol) Anyway thas enough of that!

So Kristie and I have still been having our tuff moments...I can't count the number of times Ive wanted to just end it...but she always does something to keep me. It wouldnt be so bad if she would give me a lil more affection. I want to be wanted, and I want to know that Im wanted...I dont want to always be the first to touch...I jus wanna cuddle, hold and be held. Im not askin for much, all I really need is a lil bit, not alot babygirl jus a lil bit! Anyway enough of that, I jus wanted to let u all kno whats goin on...

Finally to end this on an up note...Ive made a new friend :) Check out our partnership blog...this thing could get interesting!

Til later, holla atcha girl